We kiss, but should we tell?

Dear LYD,

This is not an unprecedented situation. People with common interests who spend a lot of time together will sometimes develop feelings for each other.

That you’ve fallen for each other, however, does not make managing such a situation any less fraught. I appreciate your dilemma, but your approach must be strategic and, über alles, compliant.

Your first and most immediate course of action is absolutely non-negotiable: you must find, read, and understand your firm’s specific policy on workplace relationships. Ignorance of the law is never an excuse, least of all at a financial institution. The staff handbook amounts to a contractual document. Even if you hadn’t read it, you are deemed to have agreed to it. Your personal opinion that your relationship with a colleague is none of the firm’s business is, with all due respect, irrelevant.

These policies exist for critical reasons, including managing conflicts of interest, protecting both employees and the firm from legal risk, and upholding market integrity. Many companies have suffered the collateral damage from in-office relationships between purportedly consenting adults. The firm will immediately think about whether it can be sued.

You must follow the letter and spirit of the stipulated procedure, whether that involves disclosing to your line manager, human resources, or compliance. Failing to do so is a serious disciplinary matter that could indeed kibosh your careers, regardless of your performance or your P&L contributions.

Once you know the policy, you need to scrutinise the substance of your situation. Your letter raises more questions than it answers. Are you both at the same level of seniority? Do you work within the same team or desk? Most importantly, does one of you report to the other, either directly or indirectly?

These questions go to the very heart of consent and power dynamics. In a workplace, an intimate relationship cannot be assumed to be fully free from complication or coercion if there is a material disparity in power. The firm has a duty to ensure that all relationships are consensual, that no one is being forced or favoured in any way, and that no other employee is being disadvantaged as a result of your liaison.

Furthermore, you must consider your functional alignment. If one of you is in a private-side role with access to material non-public information and the other is in a public-side role, the potential for information barriers to be breached (“pillow talk”), or for there to be the appearance of such a breach, is a massive regulatory red flag. The firm will need to assess and manage this risk, which could involve reassigning one of you to a different team or, in extremis, the departure of one of you from the firm.

While you are confident in your discretion, you should assume that the relationship will become known. Secrets have a very short shelf life in an office. Trust me on this. Office workers love to gossip about this stuff and you’d be amazed how hyper-aware otherwise inattentive employees can be to office romances.

Your partner’s point that it will look worse if you are discovered hiding it is spot-on. Coming clean will allow you to control the narrative, and the office gossips will probably get bored and move on to the next topic.

Conversely, if the firm finds out later, if creates an immediate perception of deceit, impropriety, and a willingness to flout the rules. This is a variant of “it’s not the crime; it’s the cover-up”. The concealment can lead colleagues to question your objectivity, your decisions, and whether confidential information is being shared inappropriately. The gossip you fear will be far more intense and damaging if it is sparked by a revelation of a hidden relationship that should have been declared.

It is perfectly possible, and in certain circumstances wholly acceptable, for colleagues to have serious, successful relationships. People do find partners at work, and many firms have processes to manage this reality appropriately. But the facts, circumstances, and context matter enormously.

By confronting this situation head-on — by knowing the rules, understanding the power dynamics and potential conflicts inherent in your specific roles, and disclosing proactively — you are saving yourself a lot of trouble and demonstrating the maturity and professionalism that your careers demand. You are protecting yourselves, your relationship, and your professional reputations.

Everyone wants privacy, but your private life is, in important respects, very much the business of your employer. Privacy is never absolute, whatever you might wish.

So do not allow a desire for privacy to be misinterpreted as a lack of integrity. Your careers are built on trust and transparency; your personal conduct must reflect that same standard.

Discreetly yours,

Craig